Prepare yourselves for the worst story you’ve ever read. I don’t mean worst as in shocking or heartbreaking but still worth a read. I mean completely pointless and arguably mind-numbing. I know. With an intro like that, how could you not keep reading?

I was thinking about London. This is nothing strange. I adore London. It’s my favorite city in all the world. Well, up to this point and being only 23 and having been only to London. I spent a glorious spring break there with my family far too many years ago and a day hasn’t gone by since that I don’t think of it and how I’d so much rather be there.

So I was thinking sultry thoughts about ye olde seductress (London… as if none of y’all think about the city in those terms. Please.) and I remembered THE OLYMPICS. I am an Olympics fanatic. I am never more into sports, more patriotic, or more inspired to work out than when the games are going on.

I even hatched a plan with my beautiful friend, N, to somehow have her breed with Apolo Ohno and produce the most athletic and talented baby the world has ever known. Even Hercules would bow down. I’m not sure how I work into reaping any benefit from that arrangement, except knowing I had the brain child that lead to the Wonder Child being born. You’re welcome, world.

Sitting there, thinking about Olympians (the athletes, not the gods. Though now I see how disturbingly perfect my mention of Hercules fits in. Good one, me.), I remembered how much I used to have a crush on Shaun White. So I thought, “Heck, there’s this thing I’ve been meaning to try out, the Google, and I hear they have pictures.” And I Googled Shaun White. And I found this:


MY EYES. I just don’t understand. Why is a ginger Stephen Tyler skateboarding down a dreary New York street? Why is he doing it in a fuchsia leisure suit, unbuttoned right to the “devil may care” button? Why did I have to know he has (some) chest hair? Why are his hips swiveling like that?

The world may never know. Because the world does not want to know. It is one of the things the true Olympians have tried to protect us mere mortals from. Like, you know, fire, and Prometheus, and that stuff.


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