Friends, Romans, Countrymen- lend me your ears! I saw the sign, and Juliet is the sun. And I definitely think Shakespeare and Ace of Bass were birds of a feather. Maybe had the fates allowed them to exist in the same time they could have worked together. Maybe done a Youtube collab video. Really, the possibilities are endless.

But I digress. I have come to tell you The Tale of my Toe; Or, Why All Young Fashionistas Should be Wary when Rushing to Buy Shoes at Target.

It was a clear, yet blustery day. Not that I actually remember the weather; it just seems appropriate. I needed black flats. I needed my Target fix. The two came together in one glorious trip. Red and White assaulted my senses. I was in ecstasy as I made my way to the shoe aisle.

I saw them immediately; suede-ish black, pointed flats with bronze zipper embellishments. HELLO, LOVER! I snatched up my size real quick. They felt good. Snug, but not rubby. They were perfect. I threw them in my cart and meandered around Target for I don’t remember how long, but if my track record has any indication, it was probably a really long time.

Flash forward: they kind of rub.

Flash forward, forward (This is where the woe comes in): The carpet ripped my ring-toe (how do you classify toes? What is the nomenclature for toes?) toenail off. Like into my flesh off. Like I bled in our hotel room off. It really hurt, Charlie, and it’s still hurting. I still have dried blood around it because cleaning it thoroughly would break my number one rule: I don’t bend.

Guess what shoes I chose to wear today?

I hate myself.

Alas, Poor Toenail, I knew Him, Ace of Bass,

3 thoughts on “A Tragic Story of Woe. And Toenails.

  1. Marquita Elaine

    Dear darling! I do feel your pain <3
    Best thing I know for that involves bending, but…
    Basically, you get a coffee filter and some super glue. Clean the last known residence of the Late (Toe)Nail with hydrogen peroxide, antiseptic wash, etc (side note: hydrogen peroxide? doesn't actually disinfect things. I am AMAZED I survived past ten years old). Cut a piece of filter the size of the Late (Toe)Nail. Put it where the Late (Toe)Nail used to reside. Drip on super glue until the piece until it's thoroughly saturated and forms to your nail-less toe. Let dry.
    It forms a fairly tough barrier between the nail bed and the world, acting as an impromptu nail. Also it's cheap, more secure than a band-aid, and far less unsightly.

    Be well, and may all your shoes be good for you.


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